black tape for a blue girl: the first pain to linger (maxi-cd only) ~~ SALE $7
This is the maxi-cd only; the book is out of print
The first pain to linger was released in early 1996. The material was recorded between 1991 – 1993, covering the period of the albums a chaos of desire and this lush garden within
for me, this piece perfectly captures the betrayal and anguish of this lush garden within’s cover. cast down. cast down upon broken shells of crystal dreams. defiled and destroyed. it was going to be the first song on the album, but then i replaced it with a different track. oscar provides some chant-y vocals. previously unreleased.
2 the glass is shattered
based around the backing tracks for this lush garden within “the broken glass”, this version focuses on the feminine perspective. recorded for the 1993 TEQ Music-label compilation ghafran. vocals by lucian.
3 pandora’s dream
years after the appearance of “pandora’s box” on a chaos of desire, this was recorded for the 1992 Hyperium Records compilation From Hypnotic…. when compiling the first pain to linger, i asked lucian to replace my vocals, which i had always been uncomfortable with.
4 overwhelmed, beneath me
this version, recorded for the 1993 Hyperium Records compilation Heavenly Voices Part 2, differs from the original in that i wrote lyrics for lucian to sing, while the original has wordless ethereal vocals. ryan lum plays additional guitar on this song.
5 i no longer remember the feelings
recorded for a performance piece by susan and peter strømsted from early ‘92, this begins with an early version of
“we exist entwined” and ends over a backdrop of “the flow of our spirit.” later released on the 1993 Simbiose Records compilation Borderline, A Collection Of Soundscapes.
6 a good omen
for the 1993 Hic Sunt Leones Records compilation The Promises Of Silence, i created these textures around a sample of lucian’s vocals from “the flow of our spirit”; which is where the title of this disc and the quote on the cover of this lush garden within originates.
i recorded this piece during the gulf war (23 january ‘91), in a very somber mood. my keyboard later crashed and took the sequence to the ocean floor. so this was rescued from a lo-fi audio cassette dub. previously unreleased.
The text below concerns the book, here for historical purposes.
A few brief excerpts from the first pain to linger
susan sleepwalking #1
she lie, soft and milk-like translucent: gorgeously curved hips and stomach still aflame —as the green light slowly fades to the warm harsh glow of her sun reality. imagining that she still felt the pangs of anticipation that their night had imposed upon her. imagining that she didn’t hear the questions now lingering within her thoughts; as if they might be hidden by his song, whose insistence she had long since ceased to question. “It would be presumptuous,” she was convinced, “to assume he loves me.” him, who she never would have expected to venture this far. “It would be impossible,” she knew, “to define him with the simple terms by which we attempt to convey our thoughts.” through these useless forms. and still, she tore herself with questions: was he angry? was he embarrassed? was he unsatisfied? and will he ever return, again? had she reacted too intellectually or had she expected too much of a reaction? a “result” or an affectionate delineation of what they had exchanged between their humid souls. a clarification of the power that momentarily held her under sway. “Intense,” she slowly whispered, as if to capture her draining emotions. as they returned to their private isolation. “Intense,” she repeated . . . though quickly overcome with doubt.
she sees me as intense! and i don’t know what to do. she expects me to act as i desire, and i desire to crawl upon the carpet and lap her feet, because i still have strong traces of the dog within. the one who fears standing up. fears decision and boldly taking my place. she expects me to be strong, and i don’t know what i expect. i fear she realizes i am unsure if i love her? i fear she sees me a hypocrite for saying “i do not want sex unless it is serious . . . “ and then attaching no verbal significance to our actions? at first, i hated the thought of leaving. of being without her for these upcoming weeks, but now i fear returning. fear returning to my own intellectual trap. and yet i am terrified that she is with someone else. falling in love with someone else, while i’m away. forgetting me, as a result of my indecision. i have a dream that my body is torn to shreds, and there is nothing i can do to control my destruction or prevent it from starting again. i’m such an idiot! we lie together, and yet i can say nothing tender. we kiss so hungrily and our bodies enwrap each other so delicately; yet i fear my reaction was harsh: my confused, cold silence; my distance and words which perhaps she found merely contrived and polite? her wonderful warmth and tenderness. and me? did i reveal anything at all? no one has ever cared for me, like her. no one has ever taken such interest, with such eagerness to be involved with my life, with such compassion. she makes the effort to understand me. to search behind the facade for the truth.
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