A novel in which Sam dives deep into the insecurities and confusion of love, accompanied by a 7-song, 35-minute CD of tracks from compilations (none of which appear on black tape albums). Here is one fan's reaction to the work: "I feel quite compelled to write and thank you for giving us your book. Your book is beautifully written and intensely honest, it completely blew me away! ... Thank you for publishing your deepest feelings...it was a very bold and honest thing to do." - Christi

A few brief excerpts from the first pain to linger

susan sleepwalking #1
she lie, soft and milk-like translucent: gorgeously curved hips and stomach still aflame —as the green light slowly fades to the warm harsh glow of her sun reality. imagining that she still felt the pangs of anticipation that their night had imposed upon her. imagining that she didn’t hear the questions now lingering within her thoughts; as if they might be hidden by his song, whose insistence she had long since ceased to question. “It would be presumptuous,” she was convinced, “to assume he loves me.” him, who she never would have expected to venture this far. “It would be impossible,” she knew, “to define him with the simple terms by which we attempt to convey our thoughts.” through these useless forms. and still, she tore herself with questions: was he angry? was he embarrassed? was he unsatisfied? and will he ever return, again? had she reacted too intellectually or had she expected too much of a reaction? a “result” or an affectionate delineation of what they had exchanged between their humid souls. a clarification of the power that momentarily held her under sway. “Intense,” she slowly whispered, as if to capture her draining emotions. as they returned to their private isolation. “Intense,” she repeated . . . though quickly overcome with doubt.

she sees me as intense! and i don’t know what to do. she expects me to act as i desire, and i desire to crawl upon the carpet and lap her feet, because i still have strong traces of the dog within. the one who fears standing up. fears decision and boldly taking my place. she expects me to be strong, and i don’t know what i expect. i fear she realizes i am unsure if i love her? i fear she sees me a hypocrite for saying “i do not want sex unless it is serious . . . “ and then attaching no verbal significance to our actions? at first, i hated the thought of leaving. of being without her for these upcoming weeks, but now i fear returning. fear returning to my own intellectual trap. and yet i am terrified that she is with someone else. falling in love with someone else, while i’m away. forgetting me, as a result of my indecision. i have a dream that my body is torn to shreds, and there is nothing i can do to control my destruction or prevent it from starting again. i’m such an idiot! we lie together, and yet i can say nothing tender. we kiss so hungrily and our bodies enwrap each other so delicately; yet i fear my reaction was harsh: my confused, cold silence; my distance and words which perhaps she found merely contrived and polite? her wonderful warmth and tenderness. and me? did i reveal anything at all? no one has ever cared for me, like her. no one has ever taken such interest, with such eagerness to be involved with my life, with such compassion. she makes the effort to understand me. to search behind the facade for the truth.